What your choice of Glasto act says about you
EMELI SANDE
This is your first time camping, and will definitely be your last, but it's all worth it to hear River live. There's so many people here and you wish the young ones would be a bit quieter. You can't wait to catch up on Countryfile when you get home.
BIFFY CLYRO
You think you're alternative, but actually you just hate yourself.
KATY PERRY
You're one of 2 people...
A: 13 year old girl from family camping wearing short shorts and a unicorn sequinned crop top.
B: 22 year old lad who loses your mates and wanders in by accident, off your head and ends up screaming your heart out to Teenage Dream with tears streaming down your face.
DIZZEE RASCAL
You're not quite street enough for Stormzy or BBK, but you know Bonkerz so your cool enough to see Dizzee.
JOOLS HOLLAND
Middle aged man. Festivals are your midlife crisis. You don't know many acts but Jools is a safe bet and there won't be any pyros so you'll be alright.
COURTEENERS
You love big indie riffs, flares and lager.
BLOSSOMS
You love big indie riffs, flares and lager. And Stockport.
ALT-J
You've loved Alt-J ever since NME told you to back in 2012. Triangles, Tumblr and glitter are life. The highlight of their set will be getting the perfect triple figure Instagram snap.
RAG N BONE MAN
You know one song. Maybe two if you listen to Radio 1 occasionally. His name conjures a vague image of a beard but not much else. You're bored.
CRAIG DAVID
45+. You got him confused with Craig Charles off Red Dwarf. Now you're surrounded by youths who failed AS Business Studies because they were too busy watching Craig David lyric videos on YouTube to have time to revise. At least they look cool!
MAJOR LAZER
You really enjoyed their singles from the charts but you have never listened to any of their albums.
CLEAN BANDIT
You came on the off chance they'd bring out your MCM Sean Paul, but unfortunately you're stuck with a number of half decent yet rather boring vocalists. You're still wondering what Clean Bandit actually is, and attempt to 'mosh' to the sweet symphony of their violins (with little success). Leave feeling slightly disappointed.
RAYE
You know your stuff when it comes to new music and who to watch, but you probably still have an obsession with Beyonce.
ANNIE MAC
Your body is a mix of UV paint, vodka and ket. You pretend your favourite dance act is Patrick Topping but really it's Disclosure and you hope Annie drops Latch. You'll have the time of your life yelling "whoop there it is", getting with strangers and remembering none of it.
BOY BETTER KNOW
You're there to get gassed wit the mandem but secretly hoping it's not as hot as the forecast so you don't become a human hot water bottle under your roadman puffa jacket which you have been encased in since Skepta's first single.
LORDE
You cried for 73 days when Bowie died and your social media is mostly couple photos of you and your equally aesthetic partner. You look with pure contempt on the unwashed masses who only know 'Royals'. After Lorde's set, you'll go back to camp and cry over what you've just seen or hug a tree.
SLAVES
You're either a 13-16 year old lad with a plain white t-shirt in the worst mosh pit anyone's ever seen, or you're everyone else, looking at these lads with contempt.
ED SHEERAN
You're basic and he's the only name you know, but daddy said he'd buy you a festival ticket this year.
CABBAGE
No comment.
THE JACKSONS
Who wouldn't? You're a nice, honest, beautiful, loving, caring, genuine, kind, thoughtful, really warm person, the type of person everyone wants as their mate, well done.
RADIOHEAD
You loved their experimental stuff because that's the true Radiohead, you loved Moon Shaped Pool and you'll despair when all the loners who think Radiohead are emo shriek along to Creep.
FOO FIGHTERS
We'll admit it, you're sound. Actual Foo Fighters! What a band. Enjoy every moment and give Dave Grohl the adoration he deserves.